Recap of February 2013

Playing with bubbles in Equarius Hotel

Hello everybody! So I know I haven’t been updating my blog recently. Been quite busy and less emo that’s why never really been writing. The last updated was in end of March, but a lot have happened since Chinese New Year period in February so we should pick it up from there, long catch up with what’s been going on in February!

Me & Charms in The Aquarium

Me & Charms in Zouk

After CNY weekend was Valentines weekend, on the 15^th of Feb after I booked out on a Friday night, I went to Equarius hotel in Sentosa to meet Quanman, Sin, Szeto, WeiQuan, Charmaine, Cheryl, Stephanie, Michelle and Angie in Quanman’s hotel room to celebrate our Valentines weekend. On 16^th, we went to Vivo to eat after we checked out of the hotel then we went to Sin’s house at night to gamble. On 17^th Sunday, Skyped with my mom then cooked breakfast for C. Then we slept till the evening went to NEX together then I stayed over at her house.  On 18^th, C and me headed to the Sea Aquarium, watched “Journey to the West” in Vivo then we went to Sentosa Boardwalk to have desert and chill in Queens then went home and rest before I got activated the next morning since I was in standby. The next following weekend on the 22^nd, after I booked out, I went to met C for dinner then send her to school just so she can go mark her attendance, then I went over to Sin’s house to play poker then C came over too after she woke up from her nap. On the 23^rd, we woke in the afternoon then went to Bedok to eat dinner with C’s family, then went to her family BBQ in the east followed by Zouk at night. On the 24^th, we pretty much slept in then went to bought groceries then cooked dinner for us before I had to book in.

That pretty much sums it up for the month of February. Thinking back, Feb was actually quite a fun month, with CNY and Valentines with all the amazing people I’m with to make it memorial.

March 25th 2013 "The Feeling of Heartache"

The truth always hurts. All good things always comes to an end sooner or later, especially for me. I always get my hopes up too far or plan to far. At the end of the day it all gets shattered. People come and go way to often in my life, for one moment we are in love the next we are complete strangers. I just need someone to stay in my life for good. I hate starting over, I started over far too many times. Sometimes I'm not even sure of my feelings anymore. Every girl I get with will dissappear from my life sooner or later. I've realized all my past relationships, it's always the girl that left. It just hurts so bad. In my eyes I'm far better compared to the guys out there, I don't cheat, I give in my 101% in a relationship and I love genuinely. Of course I'm not perfect, I make mistakes too but it's all minor ones. I'm learning and changing for the better as I get older but I feel no one will appreciate. It's just my luck probably, all I want is someone to grow old with, someone to be my side and learn from our mistakes together. I always care too much, think too much which is becoming a problem. Maybe it's time to just tone it down and start not giving too much into things. I hate to admit it but I do have trust issues, I can tell someone I trust them but then again when I look at myself from a different perspective it doesn't seem like it. For this I really blame it on my past for the paranoid jealousy type of guy I am today. I was crushed badly over and over again and I don't think I can ever be normal again. Its gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Every girl will probably think I don't trust them or so, but the problem it's not on them it's just my mind. I do understand every girl is different and they are not the same but I'm just scared. The image of the past will just cloud my mind and there I go starting to thinking too much again. I'm sorry.

Anyways, had a heart to heart talk with C this weekend and things made more sense now. The told me the hard truth, reminded me that we had an expiration date. She doesn't want to put so much effort and watch everything end when I return back to the states. She told me that this is as far as we are gonna go and I shouldn't put so much effort on us too. It was like another stab to my heart when I heard that, but it was the hard truth and I needed to hear that. It really sucks though, just because the fact that I'm going back to US soon, we won't be able to give each other our full effort and be in a happy relationship together. I asked her, so what if I didn't have to go back, you think we will have a future together? Straight away she answered me coldly she doesn't want to think so far. It was like Dejavu all over again, I hate it so much when girls are so cold. Deep down inside I really hate her ex for what he has done to her. He really ruined this amazing girl life, now she might not be able to love anyone the same ever again for what he have done. She's scared to fall for anyone again because she doesn't want to go through this pain ever again. Living with this mentality less expectation less disappointment. Just because of one person actions the rest will suffer, it's so unfair. She might try to put this happy go lucky image but I can see the real pain beneath her. It's true that I don't know her that well yet, but it's sucks to not have the chance to get to know all of her. I just have to face the fact that what she says it's true. We shouldn't really give in too much since we have an expiration date, no matter how amazing everything might get, it all will end in September. But I do secretly hope we can give each other our everything, fall in love and in September we end it on a good note and who knows the future maybe we can have the chance to continue what we have now. It's a long shot but nobody knows, anything could happen. Of course, that's the more fairytale type, I totally understand she doesn't want this, she doesn't want to feel the pain again, the pain of someone leaving ever again so why go put yourself in the heartache. Meanwhile the remaining 5 more months I hope that we can just gonna keep going with this flow because she does make me happy and I hope she feels the same too. But I won't surprised that we drift away slowly as it gets closer to September, especially after my overseas training next month at Taiwan for 1 month. It's like one month of not seeing each other all the feeling can just fade away just like my previous overseas training in Brunei, once I come back her heart was gone. I feel like the more she feels like she is closer to me the more she will try to fade away too. So I'm somewhat mentality prepared. It hurts so bad, but live goes on. I just hope that I can keep her genuinely happy every time we spend time together, cause she does keep me genuinely happy and I'm thankful for that. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her I wished she understand that.

March 24th, 2013 "The Feeling of Loneliness"

I've definitely been thinking too much lately, and its just killing me softly. I'm pretty sure its the fact that im returning to the states in about 5+ months and my life is just a blur now. It's like a roller coaster ride, for a moment I feel like the happiest kid in the world, the next thing I know I feel like im all alone in this world. The funny thing is that nothing really changed, just how my mind see stuff in its own perspective. At this very moment right now, I feel like I lost all my friends and people are slowly just fading away one by one. The rate its going im pretty sure I will be leaving Singapore all alone without saying goodbye to anyone. I really treasure all my friendships. The fact that I dont have that one person to call my "best friend" really sucks. I have absolutely no one to go to, no one to talk about my problems to. So right here is my only getaway, Blogger. My close friends that I thought they were are definitely starting to fade away from me. Not that any of us did anything wrong, but just maybe in my eyes they are like brothers to me, but in their eyes im just another person. In a week, I will be in Singapore for exactly 3 years now. In this 3 years I didnt really accomplish much. I can say within this 3 years I only know gotten a chance to meet a handful of people but it's funny because not a single one really knows me, or gotten the chance to really sit down and have a heart to heart talk with. There is not a single person I can let things out to, so I just keep everything inside of me which is fucking painful to live on everyday like this.

My love life is another thing. So recently I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We still carried on dating each other even knowing the fact that I will be returning to the states in September. We just went with the flow, never really think too much. I told myself not to get too emotional attached, or I'll backfire on us when I will have to go back to the states. Three months of dating passed, and deep down inside I know that I've fallen for her. The main question in my mind is what are we? Who does she see me as, Am I just another guy in her eyes? We said that we are just dating but it definitely feels much more than that, the fact that I think I am actually in love with her. If I really see us as just dating, I wouldnt be feeling the feelings I have right now. The closer I get to her, the more I care and the more sensitive I get. Im keeping quiet about a lot of things, just because I dont think I have the right to tell her what to do, or change her ways. Who am I to tell her what to do, Im just another guy. The more I care about something the more im hurting myself. I'm afraid of loosing her, but the way my mind is right now I will probably drive her crazy and loose her in no time. Every time she can be just talking to one of her guy friends, and Im thinking that they have something going on when I know they are just friends. It's my past, the past really did fucked me over, being this paranoid little bitch now, thinking that every girl will just cheat on me and step right over me. Deep down inside I hate it when girls talks to like ten other guys everyday, it's like I'm not your main priority, I'm just another option, but I cant say anything because Im just a nobody and I dont want her to change anything just because of me being paranoid, I rather her be herself, let her do the things that makes her happy, and see if I can deal with it. If I cant, then maybe she's not for me. The main thing in a relationship is happiness and being yourself. If you are not being yourself, eventually your true colors will come out and you wont be happy.

Im going insane here day by day. I feel like im just living in this world all myself. I just feel that all good things will end eventually for me. Everyone is slowly fading away from me. Next thing I know, im all alone again. I just hate being alone, I've practically been alone my whole life. I need someone by my side through everything and just promise me that they will be there. My over thinking is slowly starting to kill me, there is just so much in my mind. It's like my mind can explode any moment now and I've been getting really bad mood swings lately. One minute I can be laughing and happy the next minute I can be angry and sad. I dont even understand myself sometimes, then how can I expect someone to understand me. Im just a fucked up boy, no wonder everyone is slowly fading away from me. I dont blame them, I hate myself too.

February 20th, 2013 "First Two Weeks of February"

Blink of an eye, January and February just gonna pass like that and it's gonna be March already in about 2 more weeks. It's true when they say time flies when you are having fun. The first 2 weeks of February have been awesome to me. It's been a busy busy one though with all the holidays and important days combining together. The first weekend of Feb have been a chill one, just spending lots of quality time with C and watched Ah Boys To Men Part II at Vivo with C and her friends on Saturday the 2nd. The second weekend of February onwards have been a busy one with all the long weekends and such due to Chinese New Year! We all booked out on the 8th Friday and I rushed down to Tampines to meet Sara Moi to buy her Samsung S3 after using my iPhone for the longest time. Just decided to try out something new and sort of a birthday present to myself. Went to sold my iPhone after that then met up C at Serangoon Gardens. They were singing K with Adeve, Guoren and Val. Then we went to HappyDaze for beers with Daryl, Sin, Abby and Natasha too after that. After a bucket of beer we went to grab supper at a nearby Prata House then I stayed over at C's house for the night. Woke up next morning on the 9th Saturday (CNY Eve) and headed back to my grandpa's house to fetch my uncle that came back from China for the holidays and brought him over to my house since he needed a place to stay meanwhile on his trip back to SG. On that evening, Alice, (Apple's Mother) called me to join their reunion dinner at Clark Quay with her, apple and her sister. So I rushed down to CQ and met them up at Jumbo Seafood Restaurant. After dinner we walked to The Floating Platform then went to esplanade rooftop Orgo for drinks.
On the 10th Sunday (CNY Day 1) Woke up in the afternoon and went over to the family house to "Bai Nian" and Skype mommy. Then went home to take a short nap before meeting up with Sin and Szeto in the evening. We went to Wee Seng's house to gamble with everyone at Yishun then around midnight me Szeto and Sin made our way to Galaxy to met the rest Keith, Daryl, GS, Steph, Wei Jun, Natasha, Abby and their friends there. 2 towers of beer and 3 bottles of Martell later we all went home and got some rest for the next day!
February 11th (CNY Day 2) Slept the whole day then went over to Sin's house to gamble and eat before we headed to Playhouse for Round 2 with everyone.. Me & C, Mikey, Sin, Val, Timo, WeiJun, Abby, GS & Natasha, Szeto & Michelle, Keith, Wilson and much more! 4 bottles and 1 bottle of Champagne did the job for the night! Slept in with C the next morning, then went to meet Val and the shell boys up at Gek Poh before Val flies back to Australia that day then went home and prepare to book in.
Felt like a super long weekend, but definitely a great one. Just too bad had to book in, was having so much fun that I forgot I'm a soldier, sigh. Well too much drinking for the weekend time to tone down and lay low at home for the rest of the month!

Recap of January 2013/ Birthday Post

Hello everyone so I know I have been slacking on blogging lately but I'm gonna trying to recap the whole month of January right now. Even though I haven't been blogging but I still wrote down the highlights of every weekend in my phone, so here we go!

Recap of January 2013
1st Jan (Tue) : Went to Zouk with the boys, Val and Charms to celebrate New Year! Went to Spize after the club with everyone then went home to sleep, watched a movie with Sin after I woke up.
2nd Jan (Wed) : Catch up on my sleep. Sin came over to hang out then C come over at night to accompany me. Cooked breakfast for her in the morning then went over to the old place to do some final cleaning up.
5th Jan (Sat) : Watched Taxi Taxi with C at Jurong Point
6th Jan (Sun) : Went over to C's family lunch, met her whole family then went home to get a hair cut before booking in.
11th Jan (Fri) : Went to collect TV after booked out. Sin and C come over and we painted the wall. Went to Holland V for a double date with Sin and Steph after.
12th Jan (Sat) : Slept in with C, went to Pizza Hut for dinner before going to Zouk with Ray.
16th Jan (Wed) : Nights out! Met C at Tampines then we went to MOF Lena's for dinner then grab coffee at Starbucks with Guansan, Janvin and Gloria before booking in.
18th-20th Jan (Fri-Sun) : Outfield! Spend my birthday weekend in the jungle.
25th Jan (Fri) : House Warming/ Birthday Party at my house!
26th Jan (Sat) : Slept all day, woke up grab dinner at Jcube then Val, Guoren, Adel and Adeve came pick me up and we went to the "40 Lamp Posts, Shell then to Singapore Yacht Club then chilled at West Coast Park.
27th Jan (Sun) : Meet C at town then we went shopping for my CNY clothes then C treat me my birthday dinner at Sun with Moon Japanese Restaurant before I had to book in.

Additional Post: No Longer a Teenager
*Just an extra post I wrote during outfield on the night of my birthday*

It's my birthday today woohoo! Finally in my twenties now. I'm officially no longer a teenager anymore from today onwards. Due to outfield this weekend couldn't really celebrate my birthday this year properly and actually ended up spending my birthday in the jungle instead, but thanks to my awesome platoon mates, even though we are in the jungle they still manage to somewhat celebrated my birthday with me by making me a DIY birthday cake from butter biscuits and coffee then putting matchsticks on it as candles! Haha! So sweet of them! Anyways once the clock hit 12am me and Dan lit up my birthday present he gave me, a mini cigar he bought from his overseas trip to US and chilled through the night on the jeep. Of course had C accompany through the night too making me feel so loved haha! & just like that my 20th birthday is over. Gonna properly celebrate it this weekend though with everyone at my house!

Okay on the the important stuff, the stuff that's really in my mind. As everyday goes by, I can honestly say I'm living an amazing life, I'm happy with how things are going now. Although it cant be sunshine everyday but overall I'm quite a happy person now a days and everything is finally starting to go my way. All the stuff I been through in the past is what makes me who I am today. People may think I'm just another 20 year old kid but they have no idea what I been through, what I have seen with my own pair of eyes in just these 20 years. Although everything is going smoothly now but I will never forget my past, how I grew up and changed from a boy to a man. Even though im not as educated as the majority people out there but I can definitely say I'm much more street smart then most of the people who studied their ass off all their life. My mom always tells me, "Don't work hard, work smart'!" As a 20 year old, I pretty much have my life planned out already and know exactly what I want in life when most of the people my age are still uncertain on what they want to do in life, when as a 20 year old, I already have houses around the world, my own restaurant, amazing friends and family. What else can I ask for? Hopefully by the age of 25, I will have my own family and settled down by then so I can work my ass off til the age of 40 then retire and enjoy for rest of my life. Hopefully everything will go as planned since I choose this lifestyle since I was young. This is what I have always wanted and now it's time to put everything to work and show the world what I'm capable of. More then 20% of my life is over, just hope that the days will get better for me as the days goes by. Happy birthday to me :)