January 26th, 2013 "Random Deep Thoughts"

It's four in the morning and everyone just went back home after my house warming/ birthday party. Maybe it's all the liquor I drank tonight that got me thinking again. It's been awhile since I always have my deep thoughts. Nobody will ever know how I feel or what I think inside. Nobody will ever feel the pain in my heart, the tears I shed, the nights where I just feel shooting myself in the head and end everything once and for all. I will always try to appear as the happy kid, the kid with the smile on his face no matter what, the kid that always laughs and be that cheerful kinda guy, but nobody can ever see the real image behind the smile. I keep quiet about a thousand and one things, even close one eye sometimes but nothing is ever good enough. Life is fucking cruel, such is life, deal with it. My mood swings is getting out of hand too, it's like one moment we were all enjoying ourselves the next thing I know I just feel like absolutely shit, I just wanted alone time. Suddenly I remembered how nobody will ever really care about anyone other then themselves. It's an ugly world we live in seriously. I feel so fucking weak right now, I should be stronger then this. It's ridiculous. How many times does it take for me to learn my lesson, to give too much. People always come and go in my life, it's getting to the point where I am immune with my feelings. I'm so used to people walking out on me, that when somebody stays in my life I will feel its too good to be true. I'm just never good for anyone maybe. Friends, lovers, family all that shit is bullshit, at the end of the day you will still die alone. So much shit going through my mind right now, I need a huge hug and a good cry. I'm sick of these fake smiles and shit, I want to be genuinely happy. I'm only twenty this year but I feel like im a forty year old man trapped in a twenty years old body. I surprise myself sometimes too how no matter how bad things can get but I can still keep a smile in my face and act like everything is okay when deep down I'm hurting inside badly which slowly killing me softly. It's ridiculous how weak I sound right now, im stronger then this I thought. I just wish one day I can be genuinely happy and not ever have to make a fake smile again. Just gonna close my eyes and  try to get some sleep, gonna try to not think so much now and wake up tomorrow as in none of this ever happened.

December 30th, 2012 "Climbing Back Up"

The new ink, "The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday"

Sigh where to begin with this week's post. Anyways, after returning back from our KL trip, I caught a high fever 38.9 Celsius to be exact, sigh. So from the 23rd-26th of December I was feeling sick like a dog, being a sick baby at home. On Christmas eve I actually almost end up at the hospital after almost fainting in public. After a busy day of moving stuff over to the new house, I was gonna go back to Jurong East to grab some stuff when I lost control my body and my legs went numb. Luckily my uncle was out to pack some food and managed to see me on the way home. Went to the neighborhood clinic that night then crash over at the family house since I didnt want them to worry too much about me. After stuffing myself with medicine and grounding myself at home for 3 days straight, I couldnt take it anymore by the 3rd day. So stubborn me decided to head to Zouk with the boys on the 26th of December, Wednesday when I still had a high fever. Well actually, I was just feeling shitty overall that day, not just cause of being sick. I guess I just really wanted to get out the house. I guess it thought me a good lesson, just stay at home when you're feeling sick. Cause I totally didnt enjoy my night that night at all just made myself feel worst actually. Anyways after waking up the next day, surprisingly I felt much better and finally had energy to run all my errands again! So finally moved the remaining stuff over to the new house, settle all the stuff over at the new house and chill out with the bros for the next couple of days. By Saturday night the 29th of December, mostly everything was settled over the new house, just left with a spring cleaning, repaint the walls and buy the remaining furniture's before the house warming party on the 19th of January. Hopefully the house will be the way I planned it to be by then. Anyways after a couple days of recovering from my fever and settling all the stuff over at the new house, it was time to party again! Went to Zouk with the shell guys on the 29th of December, Saturday and the highlight of the night was we got into a fight that night. Well the story of what happened was that some guy decide to step Mr. Tough Guy pushing our group around in the dance floor but they didnt know they messed with the absolute wrong group. After pushing and shoving at the dancefloor the whole night, Zef initiated the fight but then one fella decided to grab my face that's when it all started. I lost my temper completely and wack his face until the girlfriend step in front of his and beg me to stop. We all got bounced out after that, but since the other group ran or went home, the bouncers let us back in so we just continued our night at Phuture as in nothing happened. Not trying to sound like a gangster or whatever, but some people just dont know their limits. Luckily my temper have became much better now compare to the old me. If I was still the old me that guy would of gotten it worst seriously. I've really changed just dont see the point in fighting anymore really, but that dude was really asking for it. Sigh anyways, enough of this gangster shit. Let me think what else is new? Oh, got a new ink today by Wilson! It's sort of a new year gift for myself after a rocky 2012 I had. Where I realized that as each day passes by its just gonna be tougher and tougher, its just part of growing up. Well partially cause of army too, it's also our reconnaissance platoon motto, the quote "The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday." Got it tattooed in my back, my first back tattoo! Oh god, really starting to become a ink addict already just got my swallow done like a month ago and now got a new piece already. Not gonna lie, I secretly love it haha. Actually planning for my next project already. I think im gonna be covered in ink as I grow older each year and the parents are definitely gonna fuck me hard when they see all my new ink, oh wells.

Okay, well there's something I've been keeping inside too that I need to let out. Alright so I know I've been talking about this S a lot recently but never really properly introduce her yet. Well gonna do that now finally. We met on November 30th, her name is Sharalyn. She's actually one of Joelyn's friend and colleague, and we went to Zouk that night and thats how we met. That night itself she got really wasted and being the nice guy I am, I took care of her that night. And I guess that's when we kicked it off from there, and ever since then we have been spending a lot of time with each other and getting to know each other better. Well in a way all good things always come to an end at some point and that's what happened exactly. I guess the whole thing lasted about a month I would say. Long story short is that, the boyfriend wasnt treating her right, she wanted a better person then she met me and we had feeling for each other. After about a month of being together, the boyfriend finally woke up and realized what he had after its gone and decided to be a good boyfriend again finally and tried to get her back. Well the thing is that S thought she got over him already, but the fact was that she still loved him. So after having a heart to heart talk again they decided to patch back again, which left me all alone all over again. One of the best feelings in the world is when you go through the honeymoon period with someone you just met, but the thing with the honeymoon period is that it doesn't last forever. With S, she can make me smile to my phone all day long. I felt like a small boy falling in love again with this her. Well I know how I said after Alyson, it's time to live my life and go my own thing. Well in a way, being in a relationship and settling down is what I have always wanted to do from the start. In a way I told myself no more relationships after my Alyson, at least until I return back to the states, especially the fact that I'm only gonna be in Singapore for about 8-9 more months only, but then again after thinking about it why not give it another shot, just one last time maybe. If I do end up hurt again, I will just need to get back up and move on like I always do in life. Then again there goes me hoping for that fairy tale miracle again. In this one month of what me and S had, I actually learn something new about myself. I realized I can never be those guys that live their life to the fullest, party like no tomorrow type. I will always be the type that choose cuddling at home with the girlfriend then go out with the boys anyday. I just don't want to waste anymore time. 8 more months in Singapore, that gives me 8 months to get to know someone, from complete strangers to my everything maybe. Just cause one failed, doesnt mean I should just give up on this thing call love. In this one month together, I also learn that I should slow things down when I meet someone new, me & S really moved way too fast like she said, in just one month, we were gonna like move in together. She was like the perfect housewife type in my eyes, we talked about the future like we had a clue, talk about our life in the US together in the future and such when the fact is that I barely even know this girl. I've learn that there is no point thinking so far when I havent fully know someone yet. No point to plan so far, when every time the plans just go to waste. Most importantly, I wanna make sure the next person that falls in love with me will be able to love me for who I am. I need to women to be my side, go through the thick and thin with me, grow old with me, be my everything, someone that can control me, someone that will love me genuinely. I might not be as rich or handsome as other guys around, but what I can promise is that I'm genuine and I'm loyal. I will do anything for the people I love. I'm willing to work my ass off and suffer for my family, that's just the kind of guy I am. Well, lets just hope that a miracle or karma will happen eventually, returning me the favor for always being the nice guy around, show me a real women that wants everything I want. Unfortunately Sharalyn just couldnt be the girl for me, but I got to admit im very happy for her and her boyfriend Marcus. They look good together really, and they both seems like they genuinely love each other now and this one month away from each other really taught them two a lesson. Well I wish nothing but the best for them, hope that they can be always happy together! Yupp, the trust is that I've fallen once again, but this time I didnt get hurt as bad so I guess it's a win win situation afterall. Lots of lesson learn in just one month, so many things happened in just one month. Imagine what can happen in 8 months! Just need to get my ass back up and carry on with my life now. Time to get to know more people and make more friends meanwhile! 

Just gonna keep that smile on my face and carry on with life.

December 23rd, 2012 "Our Mini Getaway"

Finally reached my condo after a 5hr ride from SG to KL.

The group before we head out. Daryl, GS, Stanley, Me, Sin & Szeto

The Groupie at Live @ KL

Me & Daryl near the KLCC Tower

Finally our block leave started this week. We all booked out on Tuesday night on the 18th. Spent a final night with S before moving out to KL with the boys the next morning. So here we go, Day 1 of KL. Reached home at my condo after a 5 hours bus ride, dropped off our bags back at home then we headed to Viva to grab lunch and bought some groceries for the house then went back home to chill and plan where to go for our first night in KL. Finally decided on Bukit Bintang after hours and hours of looking at the map and off we go to the city! Our first stop was at Time Square for dinner at some Chinese restaurant, but due to me being emo and angry about some stuff, I didn't join the boys for dinner and went to grab dinner myself instead. Just my  temper and ego problem really, looking back now I was acting damn childish that day. Anyways after dinner we made our first stop at Live @ KL. Live was like a Thai disco venue, we drank about 3 towers of beer there then we headed to Zouk KL for the night! Awesome night we had there, ended up seeing lots of Singaporeans too and we all formed a group ourselves. It was like international night at KL, met people from all around the world from Europe, Middle East, Thailand, Korea, Taiwan, etc! Well lets just say all of us got quite drunk that night. After the club we went back to the condo, grab some supper at the Prata shop near my house then we all of KO'ed until the next afternoon. Day 2 of KL, all woke up with a semi hangover, all felt like shit after a hardcore night of partying! Really like the movie The Hangover, the scene where they all just woke up after a long night of partying, trying to recall what happened the night before and looking back at the pictures we took in the camera and laughing our asses off! Went downstairs to grab lunch before we headed to Sungei Wang for some shopping. After shopping we walked around the city and took some pictures till we were all tired. After a long day of walking around we went back to the condo and ate some delicious KL Bak Kut Teh and watch some DVD's we bought then we called it a night. Day 3 was our last night at KL, we went back to Sungei Wang to get more shopping done and to get our last minute Christmas gifts too then grabbed dinner near my condo and finally ate our Teow Chew porridge after craving it for numerous days in KL, ended up ordering Claypot chicken rice, Udon, Ribs noddles with the porridge too! All of us ate until wanna puke! After dinner we went for a late night swim for our final night in KL, follow by beer and movie back at home before going back to Singapore the very next morning. So that was it, our awesome 4D3N in Kuala Lumpur, our mini getaway.

Finally reached back in Singapore in the afternoon of 22nd of December. Suddenly start to feel very sick when once I reached home but since I promised S that I will accompany her for her Company Christmas dinner that night. So went to fetch S from work after a short nap, then we headed off to her Coy dinner at Bedok with her colleagues which was actually so near my camp! After the dinner and present exchanges, we went over to my camp mate Dan's 21st birthday at The Club Hotel in Chinatown. Even though I was having a fever and feeling like shit but gotta be there for the bro on his birthday especially after I promised him! Worst mistake I made that night was to drink vodka with the birthday boy when I was already having a fever. Fucking hell made my body hotter and started to really feel like dying after drinking the Vodka. After his birthday celebration, we were supposed to go to Zouk to celebrate Szeto's birthday too but I was really feeling like shit that night, so me and S went home and rest early and called it a night. Been feeling sick as hell today too, sweated off the fever last night while I was sleeping, and spammed Panadol like nobody business for the first time in my life since S keep forcing me to take my medicines, sad life me. Well did manage to get some good news today though. I've finally got the keys to my new house, damn sexited to move in to the new place I tell ya! After Skyping with mommy, I couldn't wait to go home and share the good news with S! When I told her she was damn exited too. We were like a new couple that's moving to a new house together, so cute! We went to look at the house straight after that then after checking the house we then headed to IKEA for some Swedish meatballs and started my crazy furniture shopping! After a long day settling the stuff at the new house, my fever came back at night and really started to feel like shit again, S was being a sweetheart took care of me this sick boy then we both crashed over at the new place that night. Hopefully I will fell better soon, especially before Christmas!

Taking that Guardsman pride to KL.

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Me & Sin on the coach and yes im sitting on Szeto.

Me & Daryl in front of Viva.

December 16th, 2012 "Just One Last Time"

Having lots of short work weeks due to clearing our off in lieu and leaves this month. Enjoying every single bit of it everyday i am outside camp. Booked out on Wednesday night due to 1 Guards Recruitment on Thursday morning. Waited for S to get off work then we grabbed dinner and watched Step Up at home on Wednesday night till she had to go home since she has work the next day. So slept in on Thursday until S got off work then we spent a little more time with each other before I had to book in that evening since I had guard duty on Friday. After finished my duty on Saturday morning, went back home got some rest then met up Sin to buy our bus tickets to KL finally! So it's confirmed December 19th-22nd with the 6 boys, me, Sin, Szeto, Stanley, Daryl and Guansan! Damn exited for the trip, gonna take this 4D3N to chill out, spend some good time with the bros and probably do some shopping! Anyways, after meeting up with Sin, booked a movie for me and S at town then went to fetch S from work. Well she ended up getting off work a bit later then usual due to not enough man power at work so we missed our movie but its okay, it's just a movie really but I kept teasing her for missing the movie anyways cause seeing her reaction was damn cute haha. Anyways, we grabbed dinner at PS Manhattan Fish Market, even though I don't like to eat fish, but once in a while its not too bad. At dinner, she mom was messaging her, asking her why dont she date more guys when so she can choose which guy to pick and from the looks of it, looks like her mother don't really like me right now. Well the thing is that she don't know me yet. I believe once her mother get to know who I am, she will know that her daughter is in good hands. I will prove to her that I am a good man and will take good care of her daughter, I can promise her that. After dinner we walked to Cine since she wanted to do a little shopping at H&M, my crazy shopper girl haha then headed back home and watched Twilight New Moon together before we fall asleep. Nights like these are the ones that I really treasure. Clubbing and drinking gets tiring after a while, and i was always that stay home and cuddle type of guy anyways. We woke up in the morning since she had to go for work, then I went back to sleep till the late afternoon and accidentally overslept. Didn't get a chance to Skype mom for 2 weeks now. Went to run some errands after I woke up and waited for S to get off work :) Grabbed dinner at Ajisen IMM together then went home and watch half of The Notebook! The movie never gets old, hits my soft spot every single time. Before I booked in had an heart to heart talk with S, and honestly I'm glad that she came to my life. I really hope that in time she will be the one for me. Just gonna take things slow for now, don't wanna rush into anything too fast. I want to make sure that I will fall in love for the right reasons with her and hope that we can have a real future and grow old together. Im dead serious about wanting to be with this girl. Dont want to waste anymore time on the wrong person. Only time will tell now.

December 9th, 2012 "Busy December.. "

Another week passes by, less than 9 more months til I finish my service in army. Really starting to think my life through now since time is running out soon. Well it was a short work week to begin with since I cleared most of my offs. Booked out on Wednesday after nights out, went home and waited for S to get off work then we went to met up Szeto and Sin and head to Zouk for ladies night! Basically spent the whole Thursday sleeping in and waiting for S to get off work, when she got off work we got dinner together and chill over at my place. Friday was my recovery day, run all my errands, chill at home, blogged and catch up on my tv shows then Saturday was the main event of the week, it was Joelyn's 21st birthday celebration. We went to Zirca for Spread Love with her groupie and Sin. Well I cant really say it was a great night cause things didnt go as planned, wasted time outside trying to figure out what to do most of the time. Luckily had Sin and S accompany me and to make that a fun night. Seeing Sin spitting at random people, taking people's bottles and beer and stuff haha. In a way we all need this kind of people around us to make us laugh when you need someone to be there. Ended up linking up with Ray's group too with Linus, Jon, Ben, and Zef at Zirca that night. So actually it didnt turn out to be that bad of a night afterall :) After the club, had a heart to heart talk with S back at home until the morning then she fell asleep in my arms. I woke up around noon the next day to run some errands, bought S KOI and breakfast while she was still sleeping, got home and turn on Skype to wait for mommy to call then went back to sleep next to S. Spent the day with her before she had to go for dinner with her family then I prepared myself for to book in. Well that's the sort of a brief of my week. Looking at my schedule this month, December is gonna be a semi-packed month definitely. Having my batallion annual leave from Dec. 19th- Jan. 2nd, and really looking forward for my KL trip with the boys, Sin & Szeto on 19th-22nd of December. Nothing crazy planned, just need a getaway and chill the fuck out with the boys for a couple days. After coming back from KL, will be busy settling stuff for the new house. Need to go to PUB and housing development board to change everything under my name, and hopefully everything goes as planned can start to move in after Christmas! :) After that its all about furniture shopping and redesigning my new home. Really looking forward to have my own house back! One more month till a new year, a new year means a new start.