January 26th, 2013 "Random Deep Thoughts"

It's four in the morning and everyone just went back home after my house warming/ birthday party. Maybe it's all the liquor I drank tonight that got me thinking again. It's been awhile since I always have my deep thoughts. Nobody will ever know how I feel or what I think inside. Nobody will ever feel the pain in my heart, the tears I shed, the nights where I just feel shooting myself in the head and end everything once and for all. I will always try to appear as the happy kid, the kid with the smile on his face no matter what, the kid that always laughs and be that cheerful kinda guy, but nobody can ever see the real image behind the smile. I keep quiet about a thousand and one things, even close one eye sometimes but nothing is ever good enough. Life is fucking cruel, such is life, deal with it. My mood swings is getting out of hand too, it's like one moment we were all enjoying ourselves the next thing I know I just feel like absolutely shit, I just wanted alone time. Suddenly I remembered how nobody will ever really care about anyone other then themselves. It's an ugly world we live in seriously. I feel so fucking weak right now, I should be stronger then this. It's ridiculous. How many times does it take for me to learn my lesson, to give too much. People always come and go in my life, it's getting to the point where I am immune with my feelings. I'm so used to people walking out on me, that when somebody stays in my life I will feel its too good to be true. I'm just never good for anyone maybe. Friends, lovers, family all that shit is bullshit, at the end of the day you will still die alone. So much shit going through my mind right now, I need a huge hug and a good cry. I'm sick of these fake smiles and shit, I want to be genuinely happy. I'm only twenty this year but I feel like im a forty year old man trapped in a twenty years old body. I surprise myself sometimes too how no matter how bad things can get but I can still keep a smile in my face and act like everything is okay when deep down I'm hurting inside badly which slowly killing me softly. It's ridiculous how weak I sound right now, im stronger then this I thought. I just wish one day I can be genuinely happy and not ever have to make a fake smile again. Just gonna close my eyes and  try to get some sleep, gonna try to not think so much now and wake up tomorrow as in none of this ever happened.