March 25th 2013 "The Feeling of Heartache"

The truth always hurts. All good things always comes to an end sooner or later, especially for me. I always get my hopes up too far or plan to far. At the end of the day it all gets shattered. People come and go way to often in my life, for one moment we are in love the next we are complete strangers. I just need someone to stay in my life for good. I hate starting over, I started over far too many times. Sometimes I'm not even sure of my feelings anymore. Every girl I get with will dissappear from my life sooner or later. I've realized all my past relationships, it's always the girl that left. It just hurts so bad. In my eyes I'm far better compared to the guys out there, I don't cheat, I give in my 101% in a relationship and I love genuinely. Of course I'm not perfect, I make mistakes too but it's all minor ones. I'm learning and changing for the better as I get older but I feel no one will appreciate. It's just my luck probably, all I want is someone to grow old with, someone to be my side and learn from our mistakes together. I always care too much, think too much which is becoming a problem. Maybe it's time to just tone it down and start not giving too much into things. I hate to admit it but I do have trust issues, I can tell someone I trust them but then again when I look at myself from a different perspective it doesn't seem like it. For this I really blame it on my past for the paranoid jealousy type of guy I am today. I was crushed badly over and over again and I don't think I can ever be normal again. Its gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Every girl will probably think I don't trust them or so, but the problem it's not on them it's just my mind. I do understand every girl is different and they are not the same but I'm just scared. The image of the past will just cloud my mind and there I go starting to thinking too much again. I'm sorry.

Anyways, had a heart to heart talk with C this weekend and things made more sense now. The told me the hard truth, reminded me that we had an expiration date. She doesn't want to put so much effort and watch everything end when I return back to the states. She told me that this is as far as we are gonna go and I shouldn't put so much effort on us too. It was like another stab to my heart when I heard that, but it was the hard truth and I needed to hear that. It really sucks though, just because the fact that I'm going back to US soon, we won't be able to give each other our full effort and be in a happy relationship together. I asked her, so what if I didn't have to go back, you think we will have a future together? Straight away she answered me coldly she doesn't want to think so far. It was like Dejavu all over again, I hate it so much when girls are so cold. Deep down inside I really hate her ex for what he has done to her. He really ruined this amazing girl life, now she might not be able to love anyone the same ever again for what he have done. She's scared to fall for anyone again because she doesn't want to go through this pain ever again. Living with this mentality less expectation less disappointment. Just because of one person actions the rest will suffer, it's so unfair. She might try to put this happy go lucky image but I can see the real pain beneath her. It's true that I don't know her that well yet, but it's sucks to not have the chance to get to know all of her. I just have to face the fact that what she says it's true. We shouldn't really give in too much since we have an expiration date, no matter how amazing everything might get, it all will end in September. But I do secretly hope we can give each other our everything, fall in love and in September we end it on a good note and who knows the future maybe we can have the chance to continue what we have now. It's a long shot but nobody knows, anything could happen. Of course, that's the more fairytale type, I totally understand she doesn't want this, she doesn't want to feel the pain again, the pain of someone leaving ever again so why go put yourself in the heartache. Meanwhile the remaining 5 more months I hope that we can just gonna keep going with this flow because she does make me happy and I hope she feels the same too. But I won't surprised that we drift away slowly as it gets closer to September, especially after my overseas training next month at Taiwan for 1 month. It's like one month of not seeing each other all the feeling can just fade away just like my previous overseas training in Brunei, once I come back her heart was gone. I feel like the more she feels like she is closer to me the more she will try to fade away too. So I'm somewhat mentality prepared. It hurts so bad, but live goes on. I just hope that I can keep her genuinely happy every time we spend time together, cause she does keep me genuinely happy and I'm thankful for that. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her I wished she understand that.

March 24th, 2013 "The Feeling of Loneliness"

I've definitely been thinking too much lately, and its just killing me softly. I'm pretty sure its the fact that im returning to the states in about 5+ months and my life is just a blur now. It's like a roller coaster ride, for a moment I feel like the happiest kid in the world, the next thing I know I feel like im all alone in this world. The funny thing is that nothing really changed, just how my mind see stuff in its own perspective. At this very moment right now, I feel like I lost all my friends and people are slowly just fading away one by one. The rate its going im pretty sure I will be leaving Singapore all alone without saying goodbye to anyone. I really treasure all my friendships. The fact that I dont have that one person to call my "best friend" really sucks. I have absolutely no one to go to, no one to talk about my problems to. So right here is my only getaway, Blogger. My close friends that I thought they were are definitely starting to fade away from me. Not that any of us did anything wrong, but just maybe in my eyes they are like brothers to me, but in their eyes im just another person. In a week, I will be in Singapore for exactly 3 years now. In this 3 years I didnt really accomplish much. I can say within this 3 years I only know gotten a chance to meet a handful of people but it's funny because not a single one really knows me, or gotten the chance to really sit down and have a heart to heart talk with. There is not a single person I can let things out to, so I just keep everything inside of me which is fucking painful to live on everyday like this.

My love life is another thing. So recently I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We still carried on dating each other even knowing the fact that I will be returning to the states in September. We just went with the flow, never really think too much. I told myself not to get too emotional attached, or I'll backfire on us when I will have to go back to the states. Three months of dating passed, and deep down inside I know that I've fallen for her. The main question in my mind is what are we? Who does she see me as, Am I just another guy in her eyes? We said that we are just dating but it definitely feels much more than that, the fact that I think I am actually in love with her. If I really see us as just dating, I wouldnt be feeling the feelings I have right now. The closer I get to her, the more I care and the more sensitive I get. Im keeping quiet about a lot of things, just because I dont think I have the right to tell her what to do, or change her ways. Who am I to tell her what to do, Im just another guy. The more I care about something the more im hurting myself. I'm afraid of loosing her, but the way my mind is right now I will probably drive her crazy and loose her in no time. Every time she can be just talking to one of her guy friends, and Im thinking that they have something going on when I know they are just friends. It's my past, the past really did fucked me over, being this paranoid little bitch now, thinking that every girl will just cheat on me and step right over me. Deep down inside I hate it when girls talks to like ten other guys everyday, it's like I'm not your main priority, I'm just another option, but I cant say anything because Im just a nobody and I dont want her to change anything just because of me being paranoid, I rather her be herself, let her do the things that makes her happy, and see if I can deal with it. If I cant, then maybe she's not for me. The main thing in a relationship is happiness and being yourself. If you are not being yourself, eventually your true colors will come out and you wont be happy.

Im going insane here day by day. I feel like im just living in this world all myself. I just feel that all good things will end eventually for me. Everyone is slowly fading away from me. Next thing I know, im all alone again. I just hate being alone, I've practically been alone my whole life. I need someone by my side through everything and just promise me that they will be there. My over thinking is slowly starting to kill me, there is just so much in my mind. It's like my mind can explode any moment now and I've been getting really bad mood swings lately. One minute I can be laughing and happy the next minute I can be angry and sad. I dont even understand myself sometimes, then how can I expect someone to understand me. Im just a fucked up boy, no wonder everyone is slowly fading away from me. I dont blame them, I hate myself too.