The truth always hurts. All good things always comes to an end sooner or later, especially for me. I always get my hopes up too far or plan to far. At the end of the day it all gets shattered. People come and go way to often in my life, for one moment we are in love the next we are complete strangers. I just need someone to stay in my life for good. I hate starting over, I started over far too many times. Sometimes I'm not even sure of my feelings anymore. Every girl I get with will dissappear from my life sooner or later. I've realized all my past relationships, it's always the girl that left. It just hurts so bad. In my eyes I'm far better compared to the guys out there, I don't cheat, I give in my 101% in a relationship and I love genuinely. Of course I'm not perfect, I make mistakes too but it's all minor ones. I'm learning and changing for the better as I get older but I feel no one will appreciate. It's just my luck probably, all I want is someone to grow old with, someone to be my side and learn from our mistakes together. I always care too much, think too much which is becoming a problem. Maybe it's time to just tone it down and start not giving too much into things. I hate to admit it but I do have trust issues, I can tell someone I trust them but then again when I look at myself from a different perspective it doesn't seem like it. For this I really blame it on my past for the paranoid jealousy type of guy I am today. I was crushed badly over and over again and I don't think I can ever be normal again. Its gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. Every girl will probably think I don't trust them or so, but the problem it's not on them it's just my mind. I do understand every girl is different and they are not the same but I'm just scared. The image of the past will just cloud my mind and there I go starting to thinking too much again. I'm sorry.
Anyways, had a heart to heart talk with C this weekend and things made more sense now. The told me the hard truth, reminded me that we had an expiration date. She doesn't want to put so much effort and watch everything end when I return back to the states. She told me that this is as far as we are gonna go and I shouldn't put so much effort on us too. It was like another stab to my heart when I heard that, but it was the hard truth and I needed to hear that. It really sucks though, just because the fact that I'm going back to US soon, we won't be able to give each other our full effort and be in a happy relationship together. I asked her, so what if I didn't have to go back, you think we will have a future together? Straight away she answered me coldly she doesn't want to think so far. It was like Dejavu all over again, I hate it so much when girls are so cold. Deep down inside I really hate her ex for what he has done to her. He really ruined this amazing girl life, now she might not be able to love anyone the same ever again for what he have done. She's scared to fall for anyone again because she doesn't want to go through this pain ever again. Living with this mentality less expectation less disappointment. Just because of one person actions the rest will suffer, it's so unfair. She might try to put this happy go lucky image but I can see the real pain beneath her. It's true that I don't know her that well yet, but it's sucks to not have the chance to get to know all of her. I just have to face the fact that what she says it's true. We shouldn't really give in too much since we have an expiration date, no matter how amazing everything might get, it all will end in September. But I do secretly hope we can give each other our everything, fall in love and in September we end it on a good note and who knows the future maybe we can have the chance to continue what we have now. It's a long shot but nobody knows, anything could happen. Of course, that's the more fairytale type, I totally understand she doesn't want this, she doesn't want to feel the pain again, the pain of someone leaving ever again so why go put yourself in the heartache. Meanwhile the remaining 5 more months I hope that we can just gonna keep going with this flow because she does make me happy and I hope she feels the same too. But I won't surprised that we drift away slowly as it gets closer to September, especially after my overseas training next month at Taiwan for 1 month. It's like one month of not seeing each other all the feeling can just fade away just like my previous overseas training in Brunei, once I come back her heart was gone. I feel like the more she feels like she is closer to me the more she will try to fade away too. So I'm somewhat mentality prepared. It hurts so bad, but live goes on. I just hope that I can keep her genuinely happy every time we spend time together, cause she does keep me genuinely happy and I'm thankful for that. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her I wished she understand that.
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