I've definitely been thinking too much lately, and its just killing me softly. I'm pretty sure its the fact that im returning to the states in about 5+ months and my life is just a blur now. It's like a roller coaster ride, for a moment I feel like the happiest kid in the world, the next thing I know I feel like im all alone in this world. The funny thing is that nothing really changed, just how my mind see stuff in its own perspective. At this very moment right now, I feel like I lost all my friends and people are slowly just fading away one by one. The rate its going im pretty sure I will be leaving Singapore all alone without saying goodbye to anyone. I really treasure all my friendships. The fact that I dont have that one person to call my "best friend" really sucks. I have absolutely no one to go to, no one to talk about my problems to. So right here is my only getaway, Blogger. My close friends that I thought they were are definitely starting to fade away from me. Not that any of us did anything wrong, but just maybe in my eyes they are like brothers to me, but in their eyes im just another person. In a week, I will be in Singapore for exactly 3 years now. In this 3 years I didnt really accomplish much. I can say within this 3 years I only know gotten a chance to meet a handful of people but it's funny because not a single one really knows me, or gotten the chance to really sit down and have a heart to heart talk with. There is not a single person I can let things out to, so I just keep everything inside of me which is fucking painful to live on everyday like this.
My love life is another thing. So recently I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now. We still carried on dating each other even knowing the fact that I will be returning to the states in September. We just went with the flow, never really think too much. I told myself not to get too emotional attached, or I'll backfire on us when I will have to go back to the states. Three months of dating passed, and deep down inside I know that I've fallen for her. The main question in my mind is what are we? Who does she see me as, Am I just another guy in her eyes? We said that we are just dating but it definitely feels much more than that, the fact that I think I am actually in love with her. If I really see us as just dating, I wouldnt be feeling the feelings I have right now. The closer I get to her, the more I care and the more sensitive I get. Im keeping quiet about a lot of things, just because I dont think I have the right to tell her what to do, or change her ways. Who am I to tell her what to do, Im just another guy. The more I care about something the more im hurting myself. I'm afraid of loosing her, but the way my mind is right now I will probably drive her crazy and loose her in no time. Every time she can be just talking to one of her guy friends, and Im thinking that they have something going on when I know they are just friends. It's my past, the past really did fucked me over, being this paranoid little bitch now, thinking that every girl will just cheat on me and step right over me. Deep down inside I hate it when girls talks to like ten other guys everyday, it's like I'm not your main priority, I'm just another option, but I cant say anything because Im just a nobody and I dont want her to change anything just because of me being paranoid, I rather her be herself, let her do the things that makes her happy, and see if I can deal with it. If I cant, then maybe she's not for me. The main thing in a relationship is happiness and being yourself. If you are not being yourself, eventually your true colors will come out and you wont be happy.
Im going insane here day by day. I feel like im just living in this world all myself. I just feel that all good things will end eventually for me. Everyone is slowly fading away from me. Next thing I know, im all alone again. I just hate being alone, I've practically been alone my whole life. I need someone by my side through everything and just promise me that they will be there. My over thinking is slowly starting to kill me, there is just so much in my mind. It's like my mind can explode any moment now and I've been getting really bad mood swings lately. One minute I can be laughing and happy the next minute I can be angry and sad. I dont even understand myself sometimes, then how can I expect someone to understand me. Im just a fucked up boy, no wonder everyone is slowly fading away from me. I dont blame them, I hate myself too.
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