September 1st 2012 "Writing Out Loud Part I"

This 2 weeks away from home, it made me realized something. My objective here in Brunei was to push myself to my limit and train on my mental endurance. But then I keep getting distracted from thinking about her. Cause I sure miss her, I can't wait to go home and spend time with her. She's the only thing I think about back home ironically. When I feel like giving up I just think about her, imagining she was next to me and I can't fail in front of her. Sometimes I really wonder if she knows how much she means to me. I keep thinking to myself does she think about me? Does she care ? Does she miss me? Is she waiting for me to come back? So many questions in my head, or maybe I'm just thinking too much again. One thing I'm very afraid of is that things will change when I come back, afraid the feelings are gone again. Cause this is weird, for the first time when I'm away from home when my girlfriend doesn't seem too affected it. Compare from my past relationships and other couples around me, their girlfriends will always  try to call, message, or contact each other any ways they can find, how they would be telling each other how much she miss em, how much she wanting for them to come home and such. She's just not that type of person or maybe she's just really doesn't care. Who knows. I can't make her be someone she's not. I rather she be herself and I wanna fall in love with that person she is. It feels good knowing someone always have you in their mind, missing, caring about you but I just have to live with it. I keep telling her how much I miss her and everything but it seems like she doesn't really care too much about it, something is wrong I can feel it. Maybe she doesn't need me in her life. I don't know, probably I'm thinking too much again. The truth is I miss her, and I'm fucking scared that when I'm back things will change between us, cause that's how it always is. I just want a girlfriend that loves me as much as I love her, care for her as much as she cares for me. I wish she's that person for me. In a way I'm starting to think twice about things, but in another way I don't wanna think twice because I know what I want is her, what I want is us. I'm deeply in love, fuck.  I wish she understands that I'm the one for her, I won't do her wrong, I will take care of her, do everything and anything I can for her, for us. I promise her that. I will do my best for her. I will do anything seriously. I don't think she can find any other guy that's as genuine as me, I'm as real as it can get. Its weird how if it was any other girls, I'm the guy that every girl wishes for, what they look for in a guy but she's different.