September 6th, 2012 "Moving On.."

So today I guess we decided on a clean break up. It's time to move on for me. 2 weeks ago before I went to Brunei, the 1 thing I was scared of is that things would change when I come back to Singapore. The first couple days, she still think about me then the feelings slowly fade before you know it the feelings was gone again. I can't do anything about it but just move on, and I really do meant move on this time. After our first initial break up, I tried getting the feelings back by letting her do whatever she wants but then again I was being someone I was not. I fought myself to be with her, willing to be anything for her thinking it was gonna work but I didn't realized the problem wasn't just me, it was her also. You just can't fight love, she problem was that she never really loved me. This 2 weeks in Brunei made me realized a lot, mainly that we are just not for each other. Her feelings for me comes and goes and I was just  living in this imaginary world of mine where I get everything I want. I forgot that the main part of a relationship is happiness and trust and we didn't had that. We were together for the wrong reasons and there wouldn't be a future in us. She wants to have fun, live her life and do her own thing, when I  want a women I can grow old with to settle down with. I need a women in my life not a girl. I'm hungry to settle down and start a family and start on my career soon. I've played too much in the past and I just want to be an adult now. I thought we were really meant to be this time, but then again I thought my ex and I was also meant to be. Its time for me to wake up and have a reality check. I've became weak, I guess this thought me another good lesson, that's why people don't just don't fall in love so easily. Meanwhile I should just live my single life for now too and chill the fuck out and be me again. Who knows maybe I will find someone new when I'm back in the states. Don't get me wrong she's a great person, she's really awesome and we had lots of amazing time together, a lot of laughter, lots of memories, it has been a great journey but all good things end and she's just not the one for me unfortunately. Actually it was more of my fault because I was too stubborn to let go and too much of doing things my way, and of course it was the paranoid and controlling boyfriend I was to begin with, if I wasn't as paranoid and suffocating her then we wouldn't be in this position the first place. Well I still do love her if you ask me because I actually genuine fell in love with her and love just doesn't go away like that. I think I've finally woken up and its really time for me to move on and stop forcing things to go my way. I wish nothing but the best for her, meanwhile I think we just remains as purely friends but who knows maybe we will even get back together, haha. Who knows the future? :)