July 24th 2012 "I miss us, I really do.."

Honestly I miss us. I miss how I would hold you think and kiss your forehead, I miss how we would play around and make each other laugh, I miss how you say you love me too , I miss when every time I go home you will kiss me goodbye, I miss our tight hugs, I miss when we just hold each other and kiss, I miss being us.

2 weekends have passed since we broken up. Well the good thing is that we still keep in touch, we are still being "best friends". I'm trying to take things slowly taking one step at a time. Not trying to rush anything but deep inside I just want her back already. She's been going out with her friends, drinking, partying, enjoying her single life while I'm just waiting for her to come back, just waiting for whenever she have time for me then we hang out. Every weekend she find something, either is clubbing, drinking, going JB or whatever. I'm trying not to interfere with her life , but deep down inside I'm still worried, deep down inside I still don't see her just as a friend to me I still feel like we're together. Her pictures are still in the frame, and I'm still wearing our ring. She says she enjoy her single life, but I told her even the single life will get old after while and you will wish that you are in a relationship. Maybe she won't feel this way because somewhat I'm still there. She told me it seem like I'm the only one that wants her, the only person that really want to be with her and said that I'm the only one she's comfortable with and can see us married in the future but she said it in a very sad tone. What's so bad about it? I don't understand. Am I not good enough for her? I really want to know does she really want to work this out or just watch me suffer? The only request I have from her is to be less cold hearted that's all I ask for just show me more affection, show me that she really still want me to be her man, tell me that the feelings are still there. That's all I ask for. Cause deep down inside I know the feelings are still there but her emotions is telling me that she forcing herself to not to love me. Now I'm starting to think I'm not good enough for her, I'm in camp on weekdays and couldn't accompany her, I don't have much money since I'm in NS, I don't have a car to drive her around, take her out to go eat, drink, play but her friends around her can always be there for her, treat her eat, buy her things, buy her drinks, drink her out and do things together. I feel damn useless.

Her mom is awesome, she's really trying to patch us. I can see her effort keep telling us to hang out more, keep telling us to eat dinner together and chat more. Yesterday I opened up to her confession sort of, told her my past, told her about my rebellious past, how I would fight, do drugs, play with guns, got locked up, smoke and such. I told her everything. In a way she accepted me and just told me that she want to see what I can achieve in 5 years after army and she wants results. I can say all I want about how I've changed and what I want to do but results is what's real. Her mom really motivates me, I even told her about how she became my mother in Singapore and I truly respect her. She also open up to me and told me about her very interesting past. We chatted through the night and I stayed over at her house. I wanna grow up and change to prove to the world that I can become something, not just to prove to the people that doubted me but also myself to show myself I can accomplish something in life. I promised myself that I will make it and go far.

I still don't know what's on her mind and what she wants to do, but I just hope she makes up her mind soon. I'm really giving all out for her. I just need to know what's on her mind. I'm not giving up yet, gonna keep fighting for her and wait for the day we're back together.

July 17th 2012 "Love & Hope .."

She was girl I fell in love with, the girl I wanted to grow old with, the girl that I want to go through the thick and thin with. Even our relationship ended, I still love her so much and nothing will ever change. Deep inside I know some part of her, the feeling is still there and she still loves me. When things break, you just dont throw it away, you find a way to fix it. It's the same with relationship. Till now, Im still not sure what happened and why we really broke up. I guess it takes two hands to clap and there are no point of being in a relationship if you're not happy. I know what I want in life, and what I want is to be with her. I dont ask for much in a relationship, just someone to hold, someone to talk to, someone to eat dinner with, watch a movie together, someone to cuddle and someone to go through the thick and thin with and I truly believe she's the person for me. I want her to be the last person I see every night before I sleep and first person I see when I wake up and maybe in the future there will be a child in between us. That's my dream, im not giving up on that dream. People tell me to move on and grow stronger but the thing is that's not what I want to do now, the one thing i never want to learn is learning how not to love her. She told me to do the things that I want to do but what I want to do is love her. Some might say Im thinking too much, we have only been together for 11 months and im thinking too far and taking it too seriously but i say they're wrong. They dont understand me. My past relationship was almost 3 years but when we broken off , I wasnt as hurt as this relationship. I fell in love before I met her and i know that this 11 months is not just a honeymoon period, it's how our lives would be in the future. I would do anything for her. Im not giving up on love. If it means to wait for her until she's ready then i will wait. Yes it's easy to say but that's what I'll do. I love her and i know she loves me too. I know that the feeling is still there. To me maybe this is just a test, but its not over. I just need to prove it to her, fight for her, and never give up. Now thinking back of what's the possibilities of why we ended, I somewhat came to a conclusion. It was my trust issues and paranoidness. Even though I trust her completely, but im still paranoid, im scared of loosing her. My relationship with my ex really fucked with my mind and made me scared of love. I put my self in her shoes and see where I went wrong. Maybe it seems like im always comparing between her and my ex and maybe to her im using her to get over my ex but that's not the case. I understand that she is she and my ex is my ex. I'm just scared and fragile that's all. And im over protective at times, it's limiting her to do the things she wants. Ever since we got together, we are always together, before i enlisted, we met every single day and when I enlisted we spend every weekend together when I book out. She rarely have time to spend with her friends. Back then when she was in school it was still okay hence she still can spend time with her classmates during the weekdays and week ends she can accompany me, but now it's different, with her busy working schedules, in the weekday's she busy with work and weekends she's with me. She doesnt have time to do the things she wants and spend time with her friends as much. She felt caged and couldnt find a good friend to talk to and due to my paranoidness everything was very limited. Then the incident happened when she went clubbing and I got angry which was my mistake. It really got her thinking is this what she wants, is this what she asks for? She have so many things she want to learn yoga, baking, french, muay thai, dancing and so much more but being with me she couldnt find time to do it, hell she even have to worry about me being paranoid when she's out with her friends. and i shouldnt stop her from doing the things she love, i should be supporting her, be right next to her. Maybe it's too much to handle now and even her mom said maybe we wont last and that i dont trust her so she decide to call it off. But deep inside she still love me and still care for me and hoping maybe one day we can try this again, but meanwhile it's just too much to handle and she really need a break from this and live the life she wants. That's what I think what've happened, I think i've finally understood. She never wanted this, and she still have hope in us. She wishing things will work out between us, not now but maybe in the future. We dont know when but if we really love each other we will be together again.

After we broke up. I felt lost and felt like my life was over. To be honest i really thought that was it, the end. but then i ask myself what do i want in life, who do i love and the answer is us to be together. I looked at my tattoo Love and Hope. I told myself that's the two most important thing in life for me and now it seems like i lost both hope and love. There's no way im gonna give up so easily, if i really want to be with her, i should fight for love and dont give up, dont give up on hope. My original plan was to let her air her head and do the things she wants for maybe one or two weeks then maybe try to patch things up with her again, but her mom called me on the following Sunday, she asked me what happened and motivated me more. She thinks that it's just another argument we had, just told me to apologize and spend more time together and things will be fixed. I told her i think she just need some breathing room meanwhile and let her air her head. then her mom woke me up and asks if i really love her daughter. Of course I love her daughter, there's not a thing that I wont do for her. Then she told me so what you're just gonna give up, just because my daughter ended it you just gonna give up? It really woke me up and made me think. She's right, I should fight for the things I want, just because we ended doesnt mean I should just give up. After talking to her mom, I brought lunch over to her house and chat with her. I told her that I will wait for her and fight for our love, if the feeling is gone we'll try to get it back, she's not just my girlfriend, she's also my best friend, that's why I feel so lost when she left, it's like she took the whole world with her. I asked if she can see us being together in the future, but she says nobody knows the future but deep down inside I know she does. deep down inside the feeling was still there and she still loves me. I didnt ask for much, since we are not in a relationship anymore maybe she could still be my best friend. I just need someone to talk to about my problems, someone to eat dinner with, someone to watch a movie and someone to hold when i needed someone. She said of course, she will always be there for me. It made my day in a way. That's when i know it's not over, I still had hope and it's time for me to make her fall in love with me again. She said she wanted to try out relationship with others to see if im really the one for her, of course i wouldnt want it, but i told her okay, give her time to do what she really wants to do. We pinky promise that she will always be there for me and be my best friend and everything felt much better even though I was still hurting. I won't give up. What is want is her. cause that what makes me happy. I can be myself genuinely. We say that we will best friends but I feel much more than that. And after what we went through we can never be just friends. On Monday her mom brought us out to dinner, she's been very supportive and trying to get close again. Thank goodness she have such an understanding mother. After dinner I went over to her house and I just felt like laying down next to her holding to her and cry because I need her in my life. We then chatted. She asked what was wrong and I told her obviously we're not together that's something wrong. But the real reason is that I don't want us to be strangers I want to the feeling to get stronger with her, make her feelings come back. I told her this is not what she wants and I'm still lost of what have happened and why we are not together anymore. She said she just lost the feeling but I knew that was not all. It might be part of it but there definitely had to be a reason. Even though she won't say I love you back doesn't meant she doesn't love me anymore. Love just don't go away overnight. Even though she say the feelings are not there but I sense the feeling is still there. Things are different now that's for sure but the feelings is still there and we still love each other. She keep telling me she doesn't want to give me false hope and I told her she said maybe we can try again in the future. It's not a promised but its a chance, one percent of chance is all I need. I told her what I thought happened. And to me this is just a test to see what I would do, if I would change. I will wait for her no matter how long it takes. She is what I what in life. There is a reason for everything even though she is being very cold towards me she still loves me I just know it. She can deny it or whatever but I just know it. The feeling is strong. Just gonna take one step at a time and hopefully we will come back stronger then ever together. I'm not giving up on our love. There's always hope. Just gonna wait for the day she comes back no matter how long it might take she will be worth the wait. I'll grow stronger and love how to love myself meanwhile so when we are back together so she will come back to a stronger and better me.

July 13th 2012 "The End .. "

When I thought that things were fixed, I was wrong. She talked to her mom and asked what she think of us being together? Her mom thinks that we're still young and seems like 2 little kids falling in love, she thinks that i will leave her after Army and meanwhile Im just using her. Her mom actually have a very good relationship with me, she's like my mother in Singapore but the thing is that she doesnt know me well enough, I really wished she knew who I really am. After she chatted with her mom, I guess it got to her and made her think twice about us and our future. She then told me that we needed to talk cause there was a part 2 that we havent resolved yet . We talked on the phone that night she told me what her mom said about us and she wants a break, she thinks I dont trust her due to my paranoidness, we didnt really talk much that night hence she was tired and insisted to talk face to face about this instead. l sensed something was wrong and i knew the end of us was coming. Trying so hard not to cry that night, telling myself it's nothing just an argument perhaps. I tossed and turned all night waiting to know the truth from her, the conclusion. The next day was Friday, Friday the 13th. I booked out early and I waited for her to finish work. The anticipation drove me crazy. I was waiting for her at Jurong East MRT, i made her Quesadillas for dinner. We then went to Picnique for desert and fries. Things felt different, it felt like all the feeling was gone, we were like two complete strangers. After we ate, we went over my house. she sat on my bed and i lay down next to her asking what's the conclusion. She told me her feelings for me are gone, the feelings are just not there anymore. I asked her what does she want, she initiated a break since she doesnt know either she wants to be with me or without me. I needed to know an answer, I couldnt live on not knowing the truth, not knowing the answer. I wanted her to make a decision either she wants to do this with me or without me, i just needed to know. She looked at me in my eyes, and said let's end it, then she told me she wanted to go home. Before she leaves, I asked if at least she could let me send her home, and that I wanted to say a final goodbye to mom. She insisted, but i still followed her home just to make sure she got home safely. I followed her the whole journey home. When we were on the lift on the way up her house, I told her that I love her and that I was sorry. When the lift door opened, I asked for a final goodbye kiss. She held me tight and kissed me then pushed me away and went home. That was it, it was all over. I never felt more lost, everything was so sudden. To be honest, Im still not sure what have happened and why we broke up. On the way home, I sent her a message saying no matter what happens I will still be there for her, I fell in love with her and nothing will ever change, and that I hope she will do the same for me. I told her I wanted to know if we can ever be together again, cause I sure hope so. The next morning she replied that she will be there for me always, but for our future maybe we just take one step at a time.  At least after reading that, I felt much better. At least there was still hope. I love her so much.

August 9th, 2011 - July 13th, 2012 ..  "Happiest 11 months of my life.."
It's not over.

July 9th 2012 "Changes .."

We talked what happened that night and I have to say I feel much better after we chatted. We ended up laughing about it. That's how close we are. It's actually my fault for being so paranoid, I was angry at myself angry at the world. I wasn't being myself towards her and made her worried, even made her think that I wanted to break up with her. Seeing her cry breaks my heart, I don't wanna see my baby girl cry. After chatting with her and talking about things she said she want to test me, so next week she will be going to sentosa and USS with her friend and that guy again, then the following saturday they're going on a 2D1N trip together at Johor. Although it worries me deeply and if it was the old me I would strictly said no to it but its okay, I decided that she should go and enjoy. I don't have the right to control what she wants to do, I should be able to trust her and learn how to be less paranoid about things. Beside I still have a lifetime to spend with each other. She really brings out the best in me, changing my ways. I love her so much.

July 7th 2012 "Déjà vu .."

Trying so hard to close an eye on this but it hurts me deeply. The nightmare is happening again. There I was alone in this new world and you were out "with your girls" clubbing. Next thing I know my friend messaged me said that you were grinding up on some dude and then send me a link to the picture of you dancing on him. I trusted you, you told me that you were just gonna go have a girls night out and then now I need to have my own friends come and tell me the truth. Words couldn't explain how fucked up the feeling was. I fell betrayed. The women I loved stabbed me in the heart. Here I am working my ass off for us and you were out grinding up on some dude cock. Thanks to you I'm paranoid about every relationship I'm in. I can't afford to lose someone I love anymore. Then this week its like all of this happening again, Déjà vu. You went out with your girl friend to the club. I told you to go home early then you stayed all the way and went home around eight in the morning and you expected me not to worry. You told me that you will message me and keep me company through the night even though you're at the club but that wasn't the case, you kept telling me to go to sleep but to me it seems like you didn't wanna message me so I was pissed, so I told you that I didn't wanna disturb you, tell you go enjoy your night and told you good night and I love you. The whole night I tossed and turn in my bed waiting for a reply, worried about loosing you. Paranoid. Ended up having nightmare about us. Then you messaged me in the morning asking if I was angry? I was fucking pissed. But I couldn't blame you it actually wasn't your fault it's all mine. It's my fault of being too paranoid, too worried of loosing you. I hate this feeling. Then next day I saw a picture of you with a group of guys when you told me clearly you're only going with your friend. Then having a guy put his hands around you. You looked so happy, with your huge smile I've been with you all this while I rarely seen you that happy. Then again I was thinking too much, it's just a picture. It hurts me so  much it's like everything is happening all over again. Why am I so paranoid. I hate myself. I'm sure it was nothing. Just another night out with her friend, hanging out at the club but in my mind I'm thinking about 1000 and 1 others possibilities that something else is happening. Why am I like this? So fucking paranoid, cant even let my girlfriend have a night out with her girls. I hate myself. I hate my mind. Imma end up loosing the women I love one day due to this insanely paranoid mind. 

July 2nd 2012 "Well here we go .."

Cant believe Im really gonna start blogging, well at least attempt to. There's always a thousand & one thing on my mind, I really have so much to say sometimes but never the right time. Well maybe creating a blog is not too bad of an idea overall, I can write my own biography then look back at it ten, twenty years later down the road and laugh at myself. Not necessary for others to read but more for myself to look back at the important dates in my life in the future. Here we go .. Starting on my own autobiography.