She was girl I fell in love with, the girl I wanted to grow old with, the girl that I want to go through the thick and thin with. Even our relationship ended, I still love her so much and nothing will ever change. Deep inside I know some part of her, the feeling is still there and she still loves me. When things break, you just dont throw it away, you find a way to fix it. It's the same with relationship. Till now, Im still not sure what happened and why we really broke up. I guess it takes two hands to clap and there are no point of being in a relationship if you're not happy. I know what I want in life, and what I want is to be with her. I dont ask for much in a relationship, just someone to hold, someone to talk to, someone to eat dinner with, watch a movie together, someone to cuddle and someone to go through the thick and thin with and I truly believe she's the person for me. I want her to be the last person I see every night before I sleep and first person I see when I wake up and maybe in the future there will be a child in between us. That's my dream, im not giving up on that dream. People tell me to move on and grow stronger but the thing is that's not what I want to do now, the one thing i never want to learn is learning how not to love her. She told me to do the things that I want to do but what I want to do is love her. Some might say Im thinking too much, we have only been together for 11 months and im thinking too far and taking it too seriously but i say they're wrong. They dont understand me. My past relationship was almost 3 years but when we broken off , I wasnt as hurt as this relationship. I fell in love before I met her and i know that this 11 months is not just a honeymoon period, it's how our lives would be in the future. I would do anything for her. Im not giving up on love. If it means to wait for her until she's ready then i will wait. Yes it's easy to say but that's what I'll do. I love her and i know she loves me too. I know that the feeling is still there. To me maybe this is just a test, but its not over. I just need to prove it to her, fight for her, and never give up. Now thinking back of what's the possibilities of why we ended, I somewhat came to a conclusion. It was my trust issues and paranoidness. Even though I trust her completely, but im still paranoid, im scared of loosing her. My relationship with my ex really fucked with my mind and made me scared of love. I put my self in her shoes and see where I went wrong. Maybe it seems like im always comparing between her and my ex and maybe to her im using her to get over my ex but that's not the case. I understand that she is she and my ex is my ex. I'm just scared and fragile that's all. And im over protective at times, it's limiting her to do the things she wants. Ever since we got together, we are always together, before i enlisted, we met every single day and when I enlisted we spend every weekend together when I book out. She rarely have time to spend with her friends. Back then when she was in school it was still okay hence she still can spend time with her classmates during the weekdays and week ends she can accompany me, but now it's different, with her busy working schedules, in the weekday's she busy with work and weekends she's with me. She doesnt have time to do the things she wants and spend time with her friends as much. She felt caged and couldnt find a good friend to talk to and due to my paranoidness everything was very limited. Then the incident happened when she went clubbing and I got angry which was my mistake. It really got her thinking is this what she wants, is this what she asks for? She have so many things she want to learn yoga, baking, french, muay thai, dancing and so much more but being with me she couldnt find time to do it, hell she even have to worry about me being paranoid when she's out with her friends. and i shouldnt stop her from doing the things she love, i should be supporting her, be right next to her. Maybe it's too much to handle now and even her mom said maybe we wont last and that i dont trust her so she decide to call it off. But deep inside she still love me and still care for me and hoping maybe one day we can try this again, but meanwhile it's just too much to handle and she really need a break from this and live the life she wants. That's what I think what've happened, I think i've finally understood. She never wanted this, and she still have hope in us. She wishing things will work out between us, not now but maybe in the future. We dont know when but if we really love each other we will be together again.
After we broke up. I felt lost and felt like my life was over. To be honest i really thought that was it, the end. but then i ask myself what do i want in life, who do i love and the answer is us to be together. I looked at my tattoo Love and Hope. I told myself that's the two most important thing in life for me and now it seems like i lost both hope and love. There's no way im gonna give up so easily, if i really want to be with her, i should fight for love and dont give up, dont give up on hope. My original plan was to let her air her head and do the things she wants for maybe one or two weeks then maybe try to patch things up with her again, but her mom called me on the following Sunday, she asked me what happened and motivated me more. She thinks that it's just another argument we had, just told me to apologize and spend more time together and things will be fixed. I told her i think she just need some breathing room meanwhile and let her air her head. then her mom woke me up and asks if i really love her daughter. Of course I love her daughter, there's not a thing that I wont do for her. Then she told me so what you're just gonna give up, just because my daughter ended it you just gonna give up? It really woke me up and made me think. She's right, I should fight for the things I want, just because we ended doesnt mean I should just give up. After talking to her mom, I brought lunch over to her house and chat with her. I told her that I will wait for her and fight for our love, if the feeling is gone we'll try to get it back, she's not just my girlfriend, she's also my best friend, that's why I feel so lost when she left, it's like she took the whole world with her. I asked if she can see us being together in the future, but she says nobody knows the future but deep down inside I know she does. deep down inside the feeling was still there and she still loves me. I didnt ask for much, since we are not in a relationship anymore maybe she could still be my best friend. I just need someone to talk to about my problems, someone to eat dinner with, someone to watch a movie and someone to hold when i needed someone. She said of course, she will always be there for me. It made my day in a way. That's when i know it's not over, I still had hope and it's time for me to make her fall in love with me again. She said she wanted to try out relationship with others to see if im really the one for her, of course i wouldnt want it, but i told her okay, give her time to do what she really wants to do. We pinky promise that she will always be there for me and be my best friend and everything felt much better even though I was still hurting. I won't give up. What is want is her. cause that what makes me happy. I
can be myself genuinely. We say that we will best friends but I feel much more
than that. And after what we went through we can never be just
friends. On Monday her mom brought us out to dinner, she's been very
supportive and trying to get close again. Thank goodness she have such
an understanding mother. After dinner I went over to her house and I
just felt like laying down next to her holding to her and cry because I
need her in my life. We then chatted. She asked what was wrong and I
told her obviously we're not together that's something wrong. But the
real reason is that I don't want us to be strangers I want to the feeling to get
stronger with her, make her feelings come back. I told her this is not
what she wants and I'm still lost of what have happened and why we are
not together anymore. She said she just lost the feeling but I knew that
was not all. It might be part of it but there definitely had to be a
reason. Even though she won't say I love you back doesn't meant she
doesn't love me anymore. Love just don't go away overnight. Even though
she say the feelings are not there but I sense the feeling is still
there. Things are different now that's for sure but the feelings is
still there and we still love each other. She keep telling me she
doesn't want to give me false hope and I told her she said maybe we can
try again in the future. It's not a promised but its a chance, one percent
of chance is all I need. I told her what I thought happened. And to me
this is just a test to see what I would do, if I would change. I will
wait for her no matter how long it takes. She is what I what in life.
There is a reason for everything even though she is being very cold
towards me she still loves me I just know it. She can deny it or
whatever but I just know it. The feeling is strong. Just gonna take one step
at a time and hopefully we will come back stronger then ever together.
I'm not giving up on our love. There's always hope. Just gonna wait for
the day she comes back no matter how long it might take she will be worth the
wait. I'll grow stronger and love how to love myself meanwhile so when
we are back together so she will come back to a stronger and better me.
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