July 7th 2012 "Déjà vu .."

Trying so hard to close an eye on this but it hurts me deeply. The nightmare is happening again. There I was alone in this new world and you were out "with your girls" clubbing. Next thing I know my friend messaged me said that you were grinding up on some dude and then send me a link to the picture of you dancing on him. I trusted you, you told me that you were just gonna go have a girls night out and then now I need to have my own friends come and tell me the truth. Words couldn't explain how fucked up the feeling was. I fell betrayed. The women I loved stabbed me in the heart. Here I am working my ass off for us and you were out grinding up on some dude cock. Thanks to you I'm paranoid about every relationship I'm in. I can't afford to lose someone I love anymore. Then this week its like all of this happening again, Déjà vu. You went out with your girl friend to the club. I told you to go home early then you stayed all the way and went home around eight in the morning and you expected me not to worry. You told me that you will message me and keep me company through the night even though you're at the club but that wasn't the case, you kept telling me to go to sleep but to me it seems like you didn't wanna message me so I was pissed, so I told you that I didn't wanna disturb you, tell you go enjoy your night and told you good night and I love you. The whole night I tossed and turn in my bed waiting for a reply, worried about loosing you. Paranoid. Ended up having nightmare about us. Then you messaged me in the morning asking if I was angry? I was fucking pissed. But I couldn't blame you it actually wasn't your fault it's all mine. It's my fault of being too paranoid, too worried of loosing you. I hate this feeling. Then next day I saw a picture of you with a group of guys when you told me clearly you're only going with your friend. Then having a guy put his hands around you. You looked so happy, with your huge smile I've been with you all this while I rarely seen you that happy. Then again I was thinking too much, it's just a picture. It hurts me so  much it's like everything is happening all over again. Why am I so paranoid. I hate myself. I'm sure it was nothing. Just another night out with her friend, hanging out at the club but in my mind I'm thinking about 1000 and 1 others possibilities that something else is happening. Why am I like this? So fucking paranoid, cant even let my girlfriend have a night out with her girls. I hate myself. I hate my mind. Imma end up loosing the women I love one day due to this insanely paranoid mind.